Birthdays

I believe ninety percent of adoptive parenting is universal to parenting; ten percent is not.

This week Jaden turns one. Another milestone amidst what seems to have been daily moments of change. There has been no shortage of birthday preparation, and we eagerly await the arrival of both sets of grandparents for a weekend party. On his birthday we are going to a local Korean restaurant. We are going to get him a balloon. We will have professional pictures taken of Jaden in his hanbok (assuming I figure out how to wrangle him into the outfit), as well as our first family portrait. There will be homemade carrot cake with lots of frosting, and new toys to make my living room even more carnival-like than it already has become. I am so excited. I know this may be a first-time parent thing, to have this much anticipation surrounding an event my child will never remember. I don't really care.

My happiness about his upcoming birthday is not all that is on my mind. A year ago, Jaden's first mother was nearly ready to meet her son. She went to the hospital, she gave birth to him and she had to say good-bye to him shortly thereafter. As I've stated before, I cannot speculate about her circumstances as I think it only serves to romanticize or trivialize what was undoubtedly a situation that few can understand. Despite that, I think it is safe to say she is thinking of Jaden this week as much as we are. Recently I wrote her a letter. It is part of the post-adoptive process to do so through our agency. I told her what a beautiful baby boy her son, our son, is. I told her he has a perfect little face and smile, and that he is growing very well. I told her that it is impossible to be in the same room with him for over a few minutes without catching his contagiously happy personality. I told her that he is walking, and eating, and doing all of the things that babies turning into toddlers are supposed to do. I told her that I think of her often, and that our lives are forever connected through this amazing boy who has changed our lives so fundamentally. I told her the love we have for Jaden is of a kind I never knew.

I cannot predict the future relationship Jaden will have with his first mother. I know I will always keep open communication with him about as much as we know. On his first birthday, as with all of the rest, we are celebrating his birth and, naturally, his first mother. This is the difference with adoptive parenting. I did not conceive Jaden, I did not birth him, and therefore his birthday is not a celebration of that memory as it is in part to so many biological mothers. It doesn't mean that I am not in awe of the miraculous nature of his life. It doesn't mean that we don’t celebrate all that he has been, is, and will be. It just means that there is more than one mother’s love with Jaden on this day and every day in his life. He deserves to know that.